“She(DW) just won’t listen to me. I can’t figure out how to convince her that her son is going to end up a drug addict if she doesn’t set limits.”
“What does she say when you tell her that?”
“She says she can’t push him too hard because his mom (her ex), who loves to smoke weed with him, says if she doesn’t drop the subject she’ll stop letting her come to his medical appointments. It’s not fair that her ex has all the power, while we pay all her bills!”
Stepmoms have it easier when children are better adjusted. But, stepmoms are often at a loss for how to help their stepkids become well adjusted. This begs the question, how can stepkids’ healthy development be supported, and by whom? It turns out that knowing the answer is not enough.
We know that children’s health impacts their behavior, as does discipline by the parent. However, the current reality is that most stepmoms’ partners do not have joint custody, which means they are often not able to apply their best judgment to caring for their child. Court-ordered impotence. They are at the mercy of the law and their ex. Children go half, if at all, parented. Everyone suffers.
Research tells us that children fare better mentally, physically, and academically when both parents are more equally involved in their care (unless of course there is parental abuse or neglect). Given this fact, advocacy for shared parenting legislation is gaining steam. The scientific studies have strengthened efforts to reform custody law, aiming for more joint custody rulings through shared parenting legislation. There are many organizations that advocate for shared parenting legislation, such as Americans for Parental Equality, the National Parents Organization, Americans for Equal Shared Parenting the Children's Rights Council, Families Need Fathers, the International Council on Shared Parenting, WISCONSIN for Children and Families(WFCF), and Leading Women for Shared Parenting.
“I can run a business, but my stepfamily is crumbling!”
A stepmom, despite feeling like she should be able to make a meaningful difference, faces torrential forces much bigger than her best instincts. Many high functioning, emotionally mature stepmoms offer their stepkids plenty of compassion, yet often still find themselves living with dysfunctional families.
It can be easy to blame the other adults for not taking enough responsibility, not setting boundaries, not disciplining. Please hear this, while this certainly can be the case, a stepmom’s household is also at the mercy of laws (and overwhelming psychological complexity) that can quickly disempower her partner.
Perhaps we need more stepmoms in government. Until policies catch up with reality, more households will break apart. Too many stepmoms will continue to face the myriad of debilitating challenges posed by disempowered partners; partners who fail to set boundaries with kids, and who lack authority to influence the medical and other important decisions that directly impact the stepmom’s home.
Stepfamily is hard, but it doesn’t have to be this hard. How can a relationship survive the excruciating effects of each partner’s high stress, exacerbated by harmful laws? Yes, there is expert stepfamily coaching and counseling, however, even as a stepfamily coach, I feel strongly that far too many stepmoms need one! A 70% break up rate is too costly, in every way. There should be a state of emergency declared for stepfamilies.
“What about co-parenting? Have you tried that?”
“They came up with a plan but she (DW) can’t do anything about it when her ex doesn’t follow it. I am starting to lose hope. There just doesn’t seem to be any kind of rational solution.”
A stepmom’s adjustment also greatly impacts the quality of life for everyone at home. We know that a stepmom’s stress, anxiety, and depression increase as a partner loses power over rearing their own children. And, we know it is not just parental guilt, parenting styles, or the BioMom that influence the partner’s power. State laws and policies where they were divorced dictate much of stepfamily life.
If you have ever resorted to begging, crying, or crafting logical arguments to present to your partner, you know why so many stepmoms describe it as banging your head against a wall. It can be crazy making, talking to the hand - the impersonal, obsolete hand of law. The law that, along with lots of other factors, has your partner’s psyche tied up in knots.
What can you do about this?
You can vote (In addition to getting expert coaching support).
Fatherhood.org recently released its 2022 Report Card for State Guidelines on Shared Parenting. Although oriented toward fathers, if your partner is a mother-in-step, this also applies to you. The report, which grades each state on a variety of factors, found that there is still much work to be done to ensure that both parents have equal opportunities to be involved in their children's lives.
The report found that only 10 states received an A grade for their shared parenting laws. These states have laws that make it easier for parents to share custody of their children after a divorce or separation. However, many states still have laws that make it difficult for parents to get equal time with their children.
By improving the law, we can make it easier for stepfamilies to become stable families.
To see the current status of shared parenting legislation in your state, you can go to this article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_shared_parenting_legislation
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