Do Childfree Stepmoms Have it Easier?

I am curious. How would you respond? It has taken almost two decades, but I have learned to stay calm when someone says, 

“But you don’t also have your own children, so being a stepmom must be a lot simpler.” 

Thankfully, that statement is rare compared to, 

“Oh my goodness, I am sorry. I would never do that again. How are you?” 

If you are a childfree stepmom, you may immediately sense that there are at least two striking problems with the first statement. Why is it important to name the problems? To not, is to perpetuate the invisibility and isolation childfree stepmothers experience.

The truth is that stepmoms without children have to work very hard to not succumb to several pitfalls: grief, jealousy, loneliness, low self-esteem, and guilt, just to name a few! This is in addition to the big stressors common to most stepfamilies, such as tensions with ex’s, disagreements about parenting styles, and not having the authority to guide “unruly” stepchildren. 

Maybe you too have stood face-to-face, or someday you will, with another woman at a school meeting, hearing the refrain that you have it easier since you don’t have kids. Do these two retorts sound familiar?

1) “But, it doesn’t matter that I don’t have kids. Being a stepmom is hard!”

Exactly. When a woman gives herself permission to say it’s hard, even if she doesn’t have kids, she is on her way to finding solutions that can reduce her stress. She does not have to martyr herself. 

Childfree stepmoms could be said to have fewer logistics and people to manage than a woman bringing her own children into the mix. True. But, there are plenty of psychological pitfalls, with zero of the positive regard that our culture gives to mothers. 

To say that a woman’s stepfamily life is easier because she doesn’t have her own children is to overlook the glaring statistic: almost 70% or stepfamilies break up before 5 years. Stepfamily is damned hard. Of course, some stepfamilies are more intense than others. I’ve experienced two extremes as a childfree stepmom. 

In my own first stint as a stepmom, I was childless. Death threats from the incarcerated biomom, a knife hurled at me by an 8 year old stepdaughter, and a barely present partner were plenty reason to leave. I stayed far too long for my own health out of a sense of moral obligation to protect my full time stepchild (two were part time). It is fair to say that the stepfamily situation was problematic all on its own, whether or not I had had kids. I might have left sooner if there had been a child of my own to protect from the situation, sparing myself trauma and other losses.

In my second stint, I was childless. However, this time I had a clear plan to protect myself in all areas of my life and my psyche, I know how to not overstep, and my stepchildrens’ mothers have been stable and positive influences on the kids. My partner responded well to my boundaries and continues to be a parent who is present and wise. The relative ease of this stepfamily life is due to our collective wisdom, not whether or not I have children. 

2) “It’s because I don’t have kids that stepmomming is even harder for me!”

Stepmomming when not having children of one’s own may be triggering. For many women, it can bring up a sense of inadequacy or grief, or other painful feelings (as can being a stepmom while having your own children). It can also be a crash course in the importance of life balance for those uninitiated into child rearing.

If you are feeling any of the following complex reactions to stepmomming, or another version of pain, know that you are not alone. You are in good company with millions of courageous women. 

• Some women define themselves by whether or not they have children, others do not. That sense of identity can make a significant difference in how a childfree woman experiences stepmomming. Research tells that women with a strong maternal identity tend to emotionally struggle more as stepmoms. 
• Women who are childfree may range from feeling carefree to grief stricken. Yet, both women can struggle tremendously with living with children who are not her own. On the other hand, these women may adjust well to stepmomming. We are all different. 
• For some women, having stepkids makes wanting kids of her own much harder. Jealousy of the biomom can spring up its ugly head. The constant reminder can make grieving about infertility relentless. Mother’s Day can be hazardous to mental health for these stepmoms. 
• For other stepmoms, even though she doesn’t want her own kids, she may feel insecure about not being a mother, as if she is less than a full woman, less than the biomom. Less than. 
• Many childfree women dive into the maternal role so much that they lose themselves. They lose independence and the progress they were making toward their goals before children were in their lives. Many give up their financial strength, paying more than if they had their own kids’ expenses to cover. This can all bring about an identity crisis. 
• And, for another stepmom, she may feel more preoccupied with how to muster up enough interest in her stepkids. Perhaps her partner sees her lack of having her own children as an opening to give more of herself to her stepkids, but she does not want to because her life goals are shaped around not having kids. Or perhaps, her partner is not expecting this, but she feels she should be more interested than she is. 

“What should I do?”

Of course, there are even more ways a woman may feel when she does not have children, but winds up in a stepfamily. That wild variation has made it hard for me to provide a “perspective” on childfree stepmomming, although it is a question I am asked often as a Stepmom Coach without children of my own. I can say though that the guidance I offer is consistent.

1. Get help. Step back enough to have the time and the privacy to feel your own feelings, to allow those feelings, and to get support for making sense of them and healing. This way you can eventually be more able to live a freer emotional life, which can unlock your potential. 
2. Get real. What can you handle long term? Answer that question for yourself. You owe your future that honesty. Stepmomming is a long term commitment, so set yourself up for optimal health by setting limits on your exposure to stressful thought patterns and situations. Learn what you can from experts, to understand what is normal for stepfamilies, so you can better prepare or make the informed decision to move on.  Click here for an assessment that can help.
3. Get a life. Be a whole person. Avoid or pull yourself out of the quicksand of stepfamily stress. Engage in all 8 areas of wellness (Physical, Emotional, Social, Career, Surroundings, Wealth, Romantic, and Spiritual). 
4. Get together. Lean into what is working in your romantic relationship. That is the glue of your stepfamily - not the kids.  

Next time I am told I have it easier than a mom who is also a stepmom, I’ll see how this lands. Will it help the person who made the statement see us more clearly? “Each woman is her own person, not to be part of a generalization, even if she is childfree. Each stepmom is dealing with a complex stepfamily, whether she is childless or not. No one can measure emotional pain to determine whose pain is greater.” 

What would you say?

If you are hurting, you deserve relief. Please get help. You matter.