‘Do you have kids?”
“I am a stepmom to three.”
“Oh! I did that once. It was a lot harder than raising my own kids! I admire you for sticking with it.”
Most stepfamilies struggle, entangled in any of 6 harrowing psychological minefields; and over half (70%) burn out in under 5 years. To survive, a stepmom is often called upon to find herself when all else feels lost. She must connect with her core self while in the hall of mirrors where others see her as wicked, inconvenient, or not at all.
To break free, this epic woman gets very real. The stepfamily will not transform into a nuclear family, and shape shifting is no longer an option. DW/DH, BM, and SK will remain connected, whether stepmom stays or leaves. Her place in the home is voluntary, and at their say. Begging for authority is no longer the path to take. Now what?
Does this sound familiar?
You may have noticed that stepfamily dynamics can create a crucible: a powerfully transformative experience that alters our sense of who we are. It can result in a nervous breakdown, trauma, mental illness. It can also wake us up. This experience reveals a stepmother’s values, fantasies, and old wounds, first as we fight to have them validated and realized, then as we loosen our grip and act in new ways.
You have probably noticed that the state of shock and overwhelm so common for stepmothers temporarily shuts down our higher mental functioning. Tears, shutting down or shouting, begging, ill health, and other symptoms are clues that our psychological pattern is not adapted to the situation. What is there to do? Responding well requires that we come out of shock and hone our ability to make good judgments about what is actually happening, then respond strategically rather than reactively. Easier said than done. Not all of us choose to give up the drama. Not all of us can. Much healing of pre-stepfamily wounds is a very big ask.
However, in this process of mastering our responses to stepfamily dynamics, something else really big happens. Out of the fog of reaction, we start to see ourselves more clearly. The lights turn on. We begin to discover what has been holding us back in life. Voila! We have the self-knowledge required to improve all other areas of our life. This is the surprising gift of stepfamily adjustment. It is an initiation that activates massive personal power.
The research is clear. The stepmoms who succeed are those who face the ravaging complexity and blows to ego by surrendering old patterns, increasing their own empowerment, and miraculously keeping their hearts open. Epic.
Have you experienced losing yourself or finding yourself again? Do you have words of support or wisdom to share? Let me know in the comments. Together, stepmoms are stronger.
I not only survived the crucible, my courses and coaching come from the journey of rising up from the depths of that despair as a Stepmom. You can read my story here.
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